Foot Fetishes

I’m in LA.

It’s almost as if I never left.

I spent Labor Day weekend apartment searching, knee deep in Craigslist posts trying to find JUST ONE normal person to share an apartment with. Here’s an excerpt from an email I sent to a friend after a particularly long day:

“…I’ve been here just over 24 hours and already met 2 'actors'-- one is a waitress and the other a math/Latin tutor (neither is currently acting) and a number of non actors in the film industry (like the neuroscientist turned film maker).

Here are some of the more memorable potential roommates: the practicing Mormon in her late 50s with all the furniture covered in sheets and strange stains on the golden/mustard yellow shag carpet in the apartment that smelled like fish. Another woman who seemed like she was on speed warned me that she sheds big globs of hair everywhere, or i think thats what she was saying. she could have meant her decrepit 15 year old cat; she was talking so fast and was so twitchy I couldnt quite follow. the 30+ electrical engineer who barely speaks English and wants to teach me phrases in Hebrew, admitted to frequently yelling at the crazy old lady nextdoor to scare her into being quiet, while assuring me the area was nice.

One of my favorites was the woman who claimed to be an environmental engineer and wanted me to go through her trash each week and find all of her recycling (like her old roommate used to do) because she wasn't going to recycle herself, but felt it was important that I did. And while I'm at it, it would be great if I could just turn my room into a little mini-recycling plant. honest to god. I might as well save the money i could have spent on rent with her and live in a cardboard box on a street corner, going through trash bins in search for those 3-cents-per-can-if-recycled gems of public garbage. she also offered to eat any food i cooked and then critique it for me. While this woman does not actually cook for herself, she claims her entire family is composed of gourmet chefs so she know's good food when she eats it. Although unwilling to help cook, contribute food to my cooking, or even help clean after i potentially cooked for the two of us, she was more than willing to eat whatever i potentially made then tell me whether or not it was actually good.

Do you remember back when you were 10, how all the girls at grade school had those hideous folders/organizers for loose-leaf papers with pastel pictures of kittens and horses, hearts and puppies? (maybe assuie girls arent as bad as american girls, but use your imagination if you dont know what i'm talking about). these same girls have grown up, are 28, but STILL dotting the "i"'s with little hearts.

this seemed to be the inspiration for the decor of said environmental engineer's apartment.

Now, all of these people had perfectly normal sounding ads posted on Craigslist. and while none of them are actually crazy, per say, i dont think i'll live with any of them.

then there are the ads online that i have not answered:

'$600 room in 2 bd apartment/FREE FOOT MASSAGE!!-- am male, early 30s seeking female applicants only (ages 19-25) to share 2 bed 1 ba apartment. will throw in added bonus of 2 free foot massages a month when you turn rent in on time! i'm not creepy, i just like feet.'

ummm... creepy.

even better: 'FREE room for attractive female in prime W LA location-- 28 yr old male UCLA graduate, in shape and good looking, has recently found success. searching for attractive and inspiring girl to share new found success with. Free room in my 2 bed apartment. PLEASE SEND PICS! I HAVE PICS FOR YOU TOO ;)!'

apparently this person was unable to find a girlfriend based on his own merit and personality and is now resorting to bribery for sex.

I am now simultaneously seriously rethinking the whole saving $$ by sharing an apartment and wishing i had pepper spray…”

My friend's sage advice:

just in case this hadn't occurred to you: DONT MOVE IN WITH THE FEET GUY

I'd say that's pretty good advice.